#43 University

By some miraculous luck, I managed in to NTU’s prestigious USP (University Scholars’ Programme). I didn’t even know that by being a part of it I will be staying in a different hall from the others (how elitist is that to be honest?). AND the best part is that it’s going to be one of the new halls (Crescent/Pioneer) with spanking new facilities and it looks very chio online. It’s a mass of construction now but they say it’ll be complete next month ready for us to move in! I even have potential roomies from the interview session the other day, which is really great. Like, I already know a few people from school, and that can’t be bad, right?

#39 friendships

I thought we were close enough for you to not be offended by what I said. I thought you’d understand. But I guess we aren’t that close after all. I really need to watch what comes out of my god damned mouth. Okay. Not going to get this incident ruin my night.

After this, I’m starting to think that maybe we aren’t going to remain friends for very long. Maybe not even when we enter uni in August. The next time we meet is going to be fucking awkward because I know you won’t forget this. Is this how life works? You get people who’ve stuck with you through thick and thin; you used to be close buds. People change. You look at them and realise you’ve run out of things to say to them. And that is what hurts the most.

The pattern goes this way: Different pathways, lesser and lesser meetups (when you start meeting up less than thrice a year, you know that the friendship is never going to be saved. As proven 3 times.) (I don’t want this to happen again), meeting up once in really long and realising you have to constantly dish out acquaintances-level conversations and nervous fake laughter. And this very last part, is how everything ends.

You also get clique friends who’re just here to kill time while all of you are here. Temporary. Fake to an extent. Life is a bitter parade and I think I should be over it by now but it hurts.

I’ll probably only stay in touch with just one person. And I’m starting to feel distant from her too. I’m feeling so distant from everyone including my family. Hell, I’m also starting to feel just a teensy bit disconnected from my best friend. She’s got so much going on in her life. And here I am, leading a life on a straight plane; no major ups or downs. I’m just here. And I’m scared, okay. What if one day we run out if things to say to each other? Take offense with the meanings of the words we didn’t mean to create?

It’s 12.23am and I am a mess and I should get some sleep because I’ve been sleeping so little these days.

Am I a bad person?
Why is it so hard to find people who really do want to be friends with you as you do with them?
Stay true, you said. But saying true hasn’t been working so far.
How do I be less fake while faking?
Do you think everyone’s going to just leave me in the end?
Am I a hard person to be around?
How doI become pretty?
How can I become someone worthy of love?
How come everything’s just spiraling into a deep black void?
When will it all stop?
When will it stop spinning?
Where did my emotions go? The only large degree of emotions I feel all these months is just plain sadness. And it’s crippling.

#38 Decisions and Lists


Why NTU:
-scholarship eases burden
-get to stay in hall (something I really want to experience in uni) etc –> build people skills. helpful in future.
-nicer and more modern school
-people there seem friendlier/more friend-able
-course modules pretty much very similar to NUS
-people there more noob so higher chance of first class honours if I work hard
-direct honours
-more priority for internships/overseas attachment etc (not sure about this)
Why not NTU
-NUS more reknowned, especially in science & research (ranked top 50 in life science in the world) –> affect job opportunities, esp if I decide to go do research? (unsure)
-NUS name makes you proud when you say it
-their designs and marketing all damn chio
-Exchange with more reknowned overseas uni (but may not even get to go if overwhelmed with financial burden)
-Loan repayable – monetary benefits in the long term? able to rid debt easily? (unsure)