Two sides to every coin

The Internet is a great place to unleash our deepest thoughts. You find people becoming more honest with their state of mind, and you realise that an unsaid thing is shared between many of us. We all have demons within us that we struggle with, although these tend to come in various forms. I wonder if perhaps this is a norm. And it ought to be treated like a norm instead of being stigmatised. To be conscious is like all things – there are always the good and the bad. The good thing about consciousness is a deeper depth to life itself, and the bad thing is also the depth. Maybe it’s not about getting rid of the demons, but being okay with living with them. To know that they will be a part of you forever, but not letting them win.

At the deepest core of me, I know that being alive shouldn’t be like this. Being alive shouldn’t be plagued with all these sicknesses of the unseen that comes with modern day living. Then again like I said there’s good and bad to all things. Perhaps it’s about sacrifice – we are inflicted with illnesses of the modern day so that we are not plagued with diseases of the past that are now treatable, like polio, smallpox and TB. It comes with a more convenient way of living and not needing to worry about a roof over our heads, the next meal or predators that might infringe upon us. We are now more free physically in exchange for being less free mentally, and are now more prone to becoming trapped in the labyrinth of our minds.

Perhaps, this is a good argument for going primal sometimes. We are, after all, animals, and perhaps it’s good for us to reconnect with that, be it through exercise, sex or walks in nature. Anything that gets your heart pumping and your body moving. Perhaps this reconnection with the physical part of us is the key to finding balance in a world that’s increasingly going mental (pun intended).

2nd April 2013

Image

I may look happy but really I’m sad and tired and I can cry any moment now

Today’s the day I deactivated my tumblr.
It’s been quite a distraction- how many hours have I spent on it?
How much time have I spent on it per day, scrolling through my dashboard in search of posts that define me, that express who I am?

Why don’t I do it myself?
Maybe I’m losing creativity and originality because of it.

Today we had a scholarship talk and I felt so inadequate, like I’m not up to standard.
Like I cannot compete with other people to snag those high-end scholarships, to compete with other individuals during the interview to secure that scholarship.
In truth, I don’t really want to compete either. I don’t want to compete.
Why must society work like that?
I shouldn’t ask this because I know the answer and I am in favour of it – progress.

And I talked to a friend on the bus today and she made me feel like I should stop procrastinating my responsibilities and start thinking about what I really want to do in life.
(It’s only for my own good, I don’t want to be miserable forever, right?
)
So many concrete plans she has, and I fall short.
I grow smaller and smaller as she speaks.
“Why don’t you want to go to an overseas university?”
I smile and shrug. (I don’t have the money to, I mean even if I get the scholarship, that’s what mum says and I don’ t know my family’s financial situation well enough so I have to believe her and I don’t believe in my own capabilities to take care of myself well enough.)
“The course I want to take isn’t offered in our local universities, except in poly and MDIS, and I think MDIS and foreign university just go foreign university better right?”
I nod, and give a few sentences of broad description. (I wonder if what I want to do in life once I’ve figured that out is offered locally. It better be.)
“Oh, I am pro-PAP by the way, and I think the opposition is going to gain more power and screw up the system. I think we shouldn’t have too much opposition… -something that relates democracy to having less opposition-”
(I smirk, but you don’t see it because you are sitting next to me.)
“…Like PAP introduces policies that will help them garner support rather than helping society.”
(Not like some policies are very well made, not like social problems in Singapore aren’t increasing- not like the rich poor divide is widening, not like old people aren’t starving to death in their homes)

-Rant onwards.- -This part’s added after draft editing and Ithink it’ll turn out chunky but I don’t care because I bloody need to sleep I’m so tired.-

(I think I don’t have a choice, given my financial status and life experiences I’ve had, local it is, unless I’m really daring, in which case I’m not. Recently truthfully deep down I feel bitter about it all, but then I remember where I come from and decide to count my blessings instead. But I still feel bitter sometimes. Discouraged, even, especially when people start talking about the countries they’d been to, about going to band concerts, opportunities you only get when you’ve connections,or like today a classmate talking about how she’s getting $400 a month and she’s supposed to get 500 but she told her mum 400’s enough when I’m getting $120 and it’s only recently increased from a 100. You just feel… inadequate. Not enough. It’s especially so when so many people are better leaders than you and they know you can’t do nothing for shit and it’s really because I’ve not had enough opportunities and I feel like I’m falling behind and I can’t catch up. I used to be on par mostly due to my grades, but now my grades are shit and I just feel like a totally shitty person Ican’t handle this it’s only making me give up more and more. I can’t even present properly in class anymore, I think I’ve gotten a phobia of speaking up nowadays, even when I’m talking to my friends. And I think I’m more than a little depressed, it’s been pretty much almost a year I’ve been like this. The inadequacy is killing me.) 

And I decided to start with it today by deactivating tumblr. One small step at a time. I need to build back my confidence, I need to be brave. Or I’ll never survive well in this society.

Flood of thoughts

I’m feeling so fucking emotional right now I can’t get started on math even though my exams start tomorrow.

I should never have debated with you on religion. Fantastic way of letting off steam- to me, not you. I don’t feel good even though I won the argument.

My life is one pathetic piece of trash that I am living out. I am thinking about whether I have acquired some form of mental illness because I feel as though I go through stages of extreme happiness and extreme sadness as well as feeling like I’m two different people. Am I bipolar?

I look into the mirror in the morning- me with my fringe down, without my spectacles yet, the sun shining down upon my face and lighting my tousled hair up so that streaks of light brown run through them. I see what I can be and who I could have become. I feel beautiful. I feel like myself- the me whom I feel the most at ease with. Me- the confident me, the one who can express her thoughts with ease and austerity. The one with long eyelashes and a pretty upturned smile.

Then time passes and light shifts to another part of the washroom, the sun playing with shadows upon my face. By then I would have already washed up, ready for the day to begin. I stare again into the mirror, flitting up my fringe to expose my eyebrows. I make a few guarded expressions at the mirror, puckered lips, or perhaps a slight smile, maybe raise my eyebrows.

I clip up the fringe and wear my spectacles. Get some ill-fitting clothes, a miserable excuse for a school uniform, try my best to feel good about myself and set off. Suddenly I am a whole different me- conscientious; an observer. Not ready to speak up. I don’t feel as good as before.

I cannot help but think that if I were richer, I could have gotten my teeth fixed and done away with my spectacles. Gotten better clothes, had better experiences and became a more interesting person.

Who am I now? I cannot identify myself any longer.