I may look happy but really I’m sad and tired and I can cry any moment now
Today’s the day I deactivated my tumblr.
It’s been quite a distraction- how many hours have I spent on it?
How much time have I spent on it per day, scrolling through my dashboard in search of posts that define me, that express who I am?
Why don’t I do it myself?
Maybe I’m losing creativity and originality because of it.
Today we had a scholarship talk and I felt so inadequate, like I’m not up to standard.
Like I cannot compete with other people to snag those high-end scholarships, to compete with other individuals during the interview to secure that scholarship.
In truth, I don’t really want to compete either. I don’t want to compete.
Why must society work like that?
I shouldn’t ask this because I know the answer and I am in favour of it – progress.
And I talked to a friend on the bus today and she made me feel like I should stop procrastinating my responsibilities and start thinking about what I really want to do in life.
(It’s only for my own good, I don’t want to be miserable forever, right?)
So many concrete plans she has, and I fall short.
I grow smaller and smaller as she speaks.
“Why don’t you want to go to an overseas university?”
I smile and shrug. (I don’t have the money to, I mean even if I get the scholarship, that’s what mum says and I don’ t know my family’s financial situation well enough so I have to believe her and I don’t believe in my own capabilities to take care of myself well enough.)
“The course I want to take isn’t offered in our local universities, except in poly and MDIS, and I think MDIS and foreign university just go foreign university better right?”
I nod, and give a few sentences of broad description. (I wonder if what I want to do in life once I’ve figured that out is offered locally. It better be.)
“Oh, I am pro-PAP by the way, and I think the opposition is going to gain more power and screw up the system. I think we shouldn’t have too much opposition… -something that relates democracy to having less opposition-”
(I smirk, but you don’t see it because you are sitting next to me.)
“…Like PAP introduces policies that will help them garner support rather than helping society.”
(Not like some policies are very well made, not like social problems in Singapore aren’t increasing- not like the rich poor divide is widening, not like old people aren’t starving to death in their homes)
-Rant onwards.- -This part’s added after draft editing and Ithink it’ll turn out chunky but I don’t care because I bloody need to sleep I’m so tired.-
(I think I don’t have a choice, given my financial status and life experiences I’ve had, local it is, unless I’m really daring, in which case I’m not. Recently truthfully deep down I feel bitter about it all, but then I remember where I come from and decide to count my blessings instead. But I still feel bitter sometimes. Discouraged, even, especially when people start talking about the countries they’d been to, about going to band concerts, opportunities you only get when you’ve connections,or like today a classmate talking about how she’s getting $400 a month and she’s supposed to get 500 but she told her mum 400’s enough when I’m getting $120 and it’s only recently increased from a 100. You just feel… inadequate. Not enough. It’s especially so when so many people are better leaders than you and they know you can’t do nothing for shit and it’s really because I’ve not had enough opportunities and I feel like I’m falling behind and I can’t catch up. I used to be on par mostly due to my grades, but now my grades are shit and I just feel like a totally shitty person Ican’t handle this it’s only making me give up more and more. I can’t even present properly in class anymore, I think I’ve gotten a phobia of speaking up nowadays, even when I’m talking to my friends. And I think I’m more than a little depressed, it’s been pretty much almost a year I’ve been like this. The inadequacy is killing me.)
And I decided to start with it today by deactivating tumblr. One small step at a time. I need to build back my confidence, I need to be brave. Or I’ll never survive well in this society.