Cashing in my bad luck

It’s one of those nights everything bad that’s been happening to me starts to pile up and hurt so damn much.

To be honest, I feel so lost here.
I can’t find good friends.
I don’t know if it is because I cannot make friends myself, or if it is my environment.
I wish I could tell but truthfully the lines are already blurring at the edges and I don’t know if I can continue this anymore.
I feel like a fucking loser.

Withdrawn, unsatisfied, a mere follower- what I feel like in school nearly every single day. The monotonomy of it is driving me nuts. Everything is driving me nuts. I’m morphing into something I should never have been. Someone I should never have become.

To be true and honest, I had absolutely no exposure to English shows like the bang bang theory, how I met your mother etc. because I didn’t and couldn’t sign up for the good tv channels. Damn, I couldn’t even afford them. I knew about pretty little liars because I had read extensively. Borrowed the books from the regional library. I cannot fit into that particular English-y persona that would have secured me many more good friends, but the point is that I don’t. I don’t. I love Englishy things but I can’t prove it well enough. I don’t fit in anywhere. I don’t even LOOK English-y. I can never fit into the Taiwanese pop scene kind of persona either though with my upbringing that would be the kind I would end up being.

I wish I had some faith in myself and in this horrid situation I feel so stuck in.

I wish I had cooler friends.
I wish you were still around.
I wish I had someone who actually liked me.
I wish I had a boyfriend.
I wish I was rich.
I wish I could be friends with guys because of situations I encounter that lead me very smoothly to being friends with them.
I wish I wasn’t so introverted.
I wish I was more confident about my own views and notions.
I wish I hadn’t studied so hard during O levels.
I wish.
But what’s the point of wishing? I am stuck here and there is nothing else I can do but strive on and get promoted so I wouldn’t have to spend another year in this fucking insane and boring hellhole of a school and JC education system. An elitist system that’s only becoming more glaringly obvious as time progresses. That I am sadly wanting to be part of, to be right there at the tops cashing in on all the good deals of being affluent in a democratic society. Yes I know I am contradicting myself.

Some secret low-lying rebellious streak in me that hasn’t died down has made me miss school thrice for no reasons whatsoever already this year. Going to skip again this Wednesday. Missed extension lessons four times because I hate econs like that. Climb onto the rooftop of Presbyterian High just to chill with my good friend. Almost got locked in and attempted to climb out through the extension from the outer walls. Explored the school and just lay there on the grass without a care for the shit of the world. Getting drunk. Getting high. Submerging in music and singing my lungs out while jumping around instead of dancing because I can’t dance. Chilling with friends and singing and bitching about nothing in particular the whole night. Laughing at the same things guys do, but never being able to make any good friendships with any of them at all and feeling pretty shit about it. Still those were the best moments. Those were defining moments. I loved them. Euphoria, letting go, blooming hearts, scorched lungs, adrenaline, freedom. Dope, booze, babes and bunks. Sorry no hunks my life has been filled with babes only. How funny.

It’s almost midnight now and while I feel sort of better trashing all my thoughts out here, I think I am already screwed for tomorrow’s bio test. I am so so so screwed.

Life.

The Great Escape

Nowadays my life has been filled with studying. I wake up, I grab my thick set of notes and have them accompany me for pretty much the rest of the day.

My life has been a downward spiral into nothingness. All the things I cared about; all the potential things that would have been reality if I wasn’t so mindful of my studies… I don’t want to think about them now.

image

image

image

image

After dinner I’m going back to study. Sigh this is so sad. I just have to learn to live with it right?
For the next 1.5 years.

image