Two sides to every coin

The Internet is a great place to unleash our deepest thoughts. You find people becoming more honest with their state of mind, and you realise that an unsaid thing is shared between many of us. We all have demons within us that we struggle with, although these tend to come in various forms. I wonder if perhaps this is a norm. And it ought to be treated like a norm instead of being stigmatised. To be conscious is like all things – there are always the good and the bad. The good thing about consciousness is a deeper depth to life itself, and the bad thing is also the depth. Maybe it’s not about getting rid of the demons, but being okay with living with them. To know that they will be a part of you forever, but not letting them win.

At the deepest core of me, I know that being alive shouldn’t be like this. Being alive shouldn’t be plagued with all these sicknesses of the unseen that comes with modern day living. Then again like I said there’s good and bad to all things. Perhaps it’s about sacrifice – we are inflicted with illnesses of the modern day so that we are not plagued with diseases of the past that are now treatable, like polio, smallpox and TB. It comes with a more convenient way of living and not needing to worry about a roof over our heads, the next meal or predators that might infringe upon us. We are now more free physically in exchange for being less free mentally, and are now more prone to becoming trapped in the labyrinth of our minds.

Perhaps, this is a good argument for going primal sometimes. We are, after all, animals, and perhaps it’s good for us to reconnect with that, be it through exercise, sex or walks in nature. Anything that gets your heart pumping and your body moving. Perhaps this reconnection with the physical part of us is the key to finding balance in a world that’s increasingly going mental (pun intended).

Flood of thoughts

I’m feeling so fucking emotional right now I can’t get started on math even though my exams start tomorrow.

I should never have debated with you on religion. Fantastic way of letting off steam- to me, not you. I don’t feel good even though I won the argument.

My life is one pathetic piece of trash that I am living out. I am thinking about whether I have acquired some form of mental illness because I feel as though I go through stages of extreme happiness and extreme sadness as well as feeling like I’m two different people. Am I bipolar?

I look into the mirror in the morning- me with my fringe down, without my spectacles yet, the sun shining down upon my face and lighting my tousled hair up so that streaks of light brown run through them. I see what I can be and who I could have become. I feel beautiful. I feel like myself- the me whom I feel the most at ease with. Me- the confident me, the one who can express her thoughts with ease and austerity. The one with long eyelashes and a pretty upturned smile.

Then time passes and light shifts to another part of the washroom, the sun playing with shadows upon my face. By then I would have already washed up, ready for the day to begin. I stare again into the mirror, flitting up my fringe to expose my eyebrows. I make a few guarded expressions at the mirror, puckered lips, or perhaps a slight smile, maybe raise my eyebrows.

I clip up the fringe and wear my spectacles. Get some ill-fitting clothes, a miserable excuse for a school uniform, try my best to feel good about myself and set off. Suddenly I am a whole different me- conscientious; an observer. Not ready to speak up. I don’t feel as good as before.

I cannot help but think that if I were richer, I could have gotten my teeth fixed and done away with my spectacles. Gotten better clothes, had better experiences and became a more interesting person.

Who am I now? I cannot identify myself any longer.